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Parents Announce Baby Was Born Seed Oil-Free, Plan to Raise Him on Rainwater and Beef Tallow

Share This ArticlePORTLAND, OR — In what health experts are calling "a medical miracle and/or a Facebook group fever dream," new parents...

New Study Finds 100% of Deer Crossing Roads Really Could Give a Crap Less

Share This ArticleUNITED STATES — A groundbreaking new study has confirmed what drivers have long suspected: when it comes to crossing roads,...

Oregon Reassures Residents After Cyberattack: ‘Don’t Worry, Your Data’s Probably Fine, Maybe, Who Knows.’

Share This ArticleSALEM, OR — After hackers dumped 1.3 million files from the Oregon Department of Environmental Quality onto the dark web,...

Sources Confirm Neighborhood Child Might Even Go Outside This Weekend

Share This ArticleU.S. — In a development no one saw coming, sources have confirmed that 12-year-old neighborhood resident Brandon Lunsford might actually...

America Faces Crisis: No More Drunk 2AM Taco Runs as Jack in the Box Shutters Nationwide

Share This ArticleU.S. — In a move described by many as a "direct attack on poor decision-making," Jack in the Box has...

Local Man Casually Stands at Edge of Lawn for 45 Minutes Just to Let Everyone Know He Did That

Share This ArticleBEND, OR — Sources confirm that 53-year-old Brian Halverson spent approximately 45 full minutes this past Saturday standing silently at...

Sad: Oregon Creamery’s Full Tub of Ice Cream Now Just a Tiny Micro-Pint Thanks to Inflation

Share This ArticleOREGON — In yet another crushing blow to dessert lovers and economic optimism, Oregon-based creamery Tillamaybe has officially replaced its...

Oregon Democrats Introduce Bill to Replace Axe Throwing With Safe Space Rubber Dart Toss

Share This ArticleSALEM, OR — Concerned that the ancient, rugged art of axe throwing may be promoting toxic masculinity, Oregon Democrats have...

M&Ms To Be Coated With Kale Slime Following New Ban on Food Dyes

Share This ArticleU.S. — In a bold new step to ensure Americans never enjoy anything ever again, candy manufacturer Mars announced that...

New Study: Meth Users Found to Be World’s Leading Experts in Unattended Tool Acquisition

Share This ArticleEUGENE, OR — A shocking new study released Monday has confirmed what many suspected all along: meth users are now...

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