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Officials Urge Rioters to Stretch Before Peacefully Yeeting Bricks for Injury Prevention

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Share This ArticlePORTLAND, OR — In anticipation of this weekend’s peaceful protest that definitely won’t involve any windows mysteriously shattering themselves, city...

Local Woman Sips Warm White Claw, Finds Peace After Watching Flip-Flop Drift Off Into the Current

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Share This ArticleOREGON — It was supposed to be just another day of lazy tubing, questionable sunscreen application, and aggressively warm seltzers....

Newsom Freshly Gelled Up, Assures Californians Everything’s Under Control

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Share This ArticleLOS ANGELES, CA — Gleaming like a freshly waxed Tesla and strutting with the confidence of a man who just...

Portland Man Who Says Property Damage Isn’t Violence Invites Protesters to Peacefully Burn His House Down

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Share This Article“It’s time I lived my values,” says local man as he sets out organic snacks and fair trade matches. PORTLAND,...

Springfield Mother Who Tased Her 7-Year-Old Gets 15-Year Sentence

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Share This ArticleLANE COUNTY, Ore. – A Springfield woman has been sentenced to 15 years in prison after admitting to a disturbing...

Newborn Baby Abandoned at Oregon Convenience Store Just Minutes from Hospital

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Share This ArticleIn a heartbreaking scene that has stunned the community, a newborn baby was abandoned Saturday morning at a Dari Mart...

New Nirvana Fans Born After 2005 Shocked to Learn Band Isn’t a Hot Topic Clothing Line

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Share This ArticleUNITED STATES — In a stunning revelation that rocked suburban malls across America, thousands of teens born after 2005 were...

Oregon Middle School Hosts Drag Day, Encourages Kids to Cross-Dress

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Share This ArticleAn Oregon middle school is receiving criticism after hosting a “Pride Spirit Week” that included themed days such as “Drag...

REPORT: It’s Pretty Warm Out There Now, But TBH This Really Isn’t Shit Yet

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Share This ArticlePORTLAND, Ore. — Oregonians sweating into their hydroflasks this weekend may be tempted to declare, “It’s officially summer!” But let’s...

Oregon Teen Arrested for Chilling Plot to Bomb and Shoot Up Washington Mall

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Share This ArticleCOLUMBIA COUNTY, OREGON – A terrifying and meticulously planned attack at a Washington shopping mall was narrowly prevented last month,...
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