Portland Solves Downtown Drug Crisis Instantly With Bold New ‘Drug-Free Zone’ Signs

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PORTLAND, OR — In a stunning turn of events, downtown Portland’s decades-long struggle with open-air drug use has officially ended—thanks to a bold new policy initiative: putting up a lot of signs.

Lining the street like hopeful little soldiers, a series of “DRUG-FREE ZONE” signs now boldly mark what was, until this week, a fentanyl enthusiast’s paradise. Each sign features a red circle crossing out a syringe, accompanied by stern Helvetica lettering reminding passersby that drugs are now illegal in this precise three-foot radius.

City officials say the signs—each costing $37 and installed with the emotional labor of at least one unpaid intern—have already done more than

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