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PORTLAND, OR — In a stunning triumph for modern public policy, local gang member Rico “Lil Torque” Martinez announced Sunday night that he has canceled a planned armed robbery after discovering that new gun control laws officially take effect Monday morning.
“I mean, I was gonna do it,” Martinez reportedly said while carefully disassembling what authorities describe as “several extremely non-compliant items.” “But once that law kicks in? I’m not trying to break any rules.”
According to sources inside the crew, the robbery had been scheduled for 12:05 a.m. Monday — a detail Martinez now admits was “poor timing in hindsight.”
“We were ready,” said one associate
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