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PORTLAND, OR — In a bizarre scene that left passersby unsettled, a local weirdo was spotted yesterday morning sitting alone on a park bench downtown, openly reading a physical newspaper instead of doomscrolling his phone like a normal, emotionally fragile person.
Eyewitnesses reported that the man — wearing a suspiciously calm expression and dark jacket — appeared to be fully engaged with the printed words, flipping through pages with an eerie lack of anxiety. Shockingly, he seemed to be enjoying himself without once rage-liking a political meme or angrily commenting on a stranger’s Facebook post.
“I didn’t even see him check for notifications,” said one horrified onlooker
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