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Busy Mom of 3 Recommends New Meth-Infused Energy Drink “No Sketchy Sweeteners, Just Pure Speed”

Portland 0
Share This ArticleGRANTS PASS, OR — In today’s chaotic world of sugar crashes, artificial additives, and PTO meetings that never end, one...

Uh Oh: Eugene Man Shocked to Learn Constitution Still Has That Gun Thing In It

Portland 0
Share This ArticleEUGENE, OR — Local part-time kombucha brewer Jasper Willow-Breeze experienced what experts are calling "acute textual trauma" this week after...

This Isn’t Satire: Eugene Man Arrested After Threats With Gun-Shaped Bong in Grocery Store Parking Lot

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Share This ArticleYou’d be forgiven for thinking this was another one of our ridiculous headlines—because “man with rifle-shaped bong triggers full police...

Portland Solves Downtown Drug Crisis Instantly With Bold New ‘Drug-Free Zone’ Signs

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Share This ArticlePORTLAND, OR — In a stunning turn of events, downtown Portland’s decades-long struggle with open-air drug use has officially ended—thanks...

Trump Proposes New Holidays: ‘We’re the Best Day’ and ‘Other Countries Are Losers Day’

Portland 0
Share This ArticlePALM BEACH, FL — In a late-night post on Truth Social sandwiched between rants about wind turbines and the deep...

Portland Protesters Demand More Things to Protest

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Share This ArticlePORTLAND, OR — In a surprising show of unity, hundreds of Portland protesters gathered downtown Tuesday not to decry a...

New Oregon Zip Line Debuts With Thrilling New Twist: Direct Collision With Tree

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Share This ArticleBEND, OR — In what Deschutes County officials are calling “an immersive forest engagement experience,” a new zip line attraction...

Woman Asks If Jeans Make Her Look Fat, Already Decided They Do

Portland 0
Share This ArticleTUALATIN, OR — In a shocking display of emotional choreography and predetermined self-loathing, 34-year-old Heather Cline asked her boyfriend for...

Pale Little Oregon Man Spotted in Tank Top; Witnesses in Troutdale Call It “Too Soon”

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Share This ArticleTROUTDALE, OR — In a shocking display of seasonal overconfidence, local man Darren Melby was reportedly seen walking down Main...

Doctors Confirm You’re Technically Still Alive, Just Tired Forever After Age 36

Portland 0
Share This ArticleATLANTA, GA — In a groundbreaking new report released Friday, doctors from the National Institute of Realistic Health confirmed that...
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