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UNITED STATES — A new report published by the International Institute of Absolutely Unnecessary Safety Measures (IIAUSM) has confirmed what many suspected but dared not say out loud: the man driving alone in his car while fully masked and gloved is, statistically, the safest human being alive in 2025.
Researchers spent over two years tracking a 38-year-old man named Brandon M., shown above heroically clutching his steering wheel in a surgical mask and blue nitrile gloves — despite being completely and utterly alone inside his locked vehicle.
“We’ve never seen anything like it,” said Dr. Harold Trenton, lead scientist on the study. “This man has successfully
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