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SALEM, Ore. — After decades of concern over melting glaciers, rising oceans, drought, wildfires, plastic pollution and the slow destruction of the natural world, scientists announced this week that the planet has finally been restored to perfect health thanks to Oregon’s five-cent grocery bag fee.
The breakthrough reportedly occurred after researchers noticed a sudden and dramatic improvement in global environmental conditions at the exact moment an Oregon shopper reluctantly agreed to pay five cents for a paper bag at the grocery store. Within minutes, ocean temperatures stabilized, glaciers stopped retreating, sea turtles became noticeably more optimistic, and several polar bears reportedly began celebrating after learning that another
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