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PORTLAND, OR — After years of observation, analysis, and quietly judgmental note-taking, researchers have formally admitted they still do not understand why Portland residents look the way they do.
The announcement came Tuesday from a multidisciplinary research team stationed primarily outside coffee shops, food co-ops, and sidewalks where no one appears to be headed anywhere specific.
“We thought time would help,” said lead researcher Dr. Elaine Morcroft, gesturing vaguely toward a person wearing cargo shorts, hiking boots, a scarf, and what appeared to be a sleeping bag repurposed as a jacket. “It hasn’t.”
According to the study, Portland residents consistently present themselves as if appearance is both
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