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In what experts are calling “technically not new, but still sort of a bummer,” reports are surfacing that some people, in fact, are dying.
The revelation has stunned absolutely no one, yet continues to be treated as breaking news by local relatives who “can’t believe it happened,” despite the fact that it happens literally all the time.
“Yeah, turns out people are dying,” said Dr. Amanda Kepler, a medical researcher who admitted she’s been observing the trend for decades. “We’ve been running the numbers, and so far the data suggests that 100 percent of people are dying. It’s honestly pretty conclusive.”
Eyewitnesses to the phenomenon described the
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