Portland Protesters Demand More Things to Protest

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PORTLAND, OR — In a surprising show of unity, hundreds of Portland protesters gathered downtown Tuesday not to decry a specific issue, but to demand more things to be upset about.

“Frankly, we’re running out,” said protester Kai Evergreen, who held a blank cardboard sign in silent defiance. “We’ve already covered capitalism, colonialism, coffee chain capitalism, bicycle lane oppression, and the existential dread of Mondays. What’s left? Wednesday?”

The demonstration, which blocked traffic for six hours and included a choreographed interpretive dance about emotional burnout, was described by one city official as “intensely vague but extremely loud.”

Mayor Keith Wilson issued a statement Wednesday morning, promising swift

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