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PORTLAND, OR — In an effort to address skyrocketing 911 response times, the Portland Police Bureau announced today that residents can now shave hours off their wait by committing crimes within walking distance of a precinct.
“Look, we’re stretched thin,” said a spokesperson while unlocking his bicycle. “If someone insists on getting mugged in outer Southeast, that’s going to take us a while. But if you’re willing to move your burglary closer to downtown, we can probably get there before the suspect finishes looting your fridge.”
The new initiative, called Crime Convenience Zones, will designate certain blocks near police stations where criminals and victims alike can meet
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