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PORTLAND, OR — In a bold display of civic unity, city officials have announced the scheduled public beheading of a local man at sunset tonight in Pioneer Courthouse Square after he reportedly uttered the inflammatory phrase: “Let’s hear both sides.”
The man, identified as 38-year-old Greg Thomlinson of the Sellwood neighborhood, allegedly committed the act of moderation during a heated protest downtown over the city’s latest homelessness policies. According to witnesses, Thomlinson calmly suggested that “maybe both sides have valid concerns,” moments before being tackled to the ground by a concerned group of street medics and part-time sociology majors.
“He just said it. Out loud. No trigger
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