Portland - Page 7

Eugene Man Sets Record For Longest Dreadlock in The World

Portland
Share This ArticleEUGENE, OR — In a shocking display of follicular fortitude, Eugene resident River Moonstone has shattered all known records...

Man’s Dignity Evaporates As Clerk Silently Points to Sign Reading ‘Porta Potty Outside’

Portland
Share This ArticleNEEDLES, CA — Oregon native Daniel Price thought he was making a quick pit stop for gas and a...

State Officials Quietly Swap Haystack Rock for Gold Man, Salem Left With a Sad, Bare Dome

Portland
Share This ArticleIn a baffling but somehow deeply Oregonian development, state officials have confirmed that the recently vacated site of Haystack Rock at Cannon...

“This Protest Sure Is Neato,” Says Man Who Hasn’t Moved More Than 6 Feet Since Clocking Out, While His Meatloaf Waits at Home

Portland
Share This ArticlePORTLAND, OR — Local accountant Greg Waller, 42, expressed mild admiration through clenched teeth Thursday evening as he sat...

Cannon Beach Tuft Puffin Takes a Little Poo on Unsuspecting Tourist

Portland
Share This ArticleCANNON BEACH, Ore. – In what wildlife officials are calling “a majestic act of nature,” a tufted puffin at...

New Study Finds 97% of Streaming Time Spent Just Scrolling Across 6+ Subscriptions

Portland
Share This ArticleIn a groundbreaking study that surprises absolutely no one, researchers have confirmed that 97% of the average person's time...

“Eugene Squirrels Are Straight-Up Trippin’ After Being Fed Psilocybin Mushrooms,” Officials Say

Portland
Share This ArticleEUGENE, OR — City officials are urging residents to stop feeding psychedelic mushrooms to local squirrels, after what one...

Weekend BBQ Plans Proceed as Dad Secures Down Payment on Ribeyes

Portland
Share This ArticleSWEET HOME, OR — After weeks of intense financial planning and one extremely awkward meeting with a steak loan...

Parents Sit Teen Down for “American Dream Talk,” Gently Explain He’ll Be Renting a Carpeted Garage Corner for $2,400

Portland
Share This ArticleSalem, Oregon — In a moving display of parental love mixed with economic nihilism, local couple Doug and Melissa...

That Methy Neighbor Wearing Headlamp at 2:30AM Is Just One Bolt Away From Wrapping It Up

Portland
Share This ArticleSPRINGFIELD, OR — Residents of a quiet suburban street were once again reassured by the familiar clanking of socket...

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