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HEAVEN — In what celestial insiders are calling the most shocking lineup shakeup in millennia, sources confirmed Tuesday that heavy metal icon Ozzy Osbourne will headline Heaven’s main stage this summer, prompting Lucifer himself to file a breach of contract lawsuit in the Infernal Courts.
“Look, we had Ozzy penciled in for a 666-show residency in Hell,” said Beelzebub, Hell’s booking agent, visibly flustered as he rifled through decades of contracts signed in bat blood. “Then suddenly he’s up there, halo slightly crooked, doing soundcheck with a harp and talking about how ‘bloody lovely’ the acoustics are.”
Witnesses report Osbourne arrived at the Pearly Gates Tuesday, June
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