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PORTLAND, OR — After years of experimenting with tear gas, rubber bullets, and pepper spray, Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has apparently decided to step things up a notch. On Thursday night, officers stunned protesters outside Portland’s ICE facility by deploying a pack of fully grown mountain lions into the crowd.
“Pepper spray was fine for a while,” explained one ICE spokesperson, calmly loading raw meat into a cat carrier. “But people kept bringing leaf blowers and swimming goggles. Nobody has ever brought a cougar-proof umbrella. We feel this is a logical next step in crowd control.”
Witnesses say the release began around 10:30 p.m., when floodlights
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