Graffiti Artists Give Up As Portland Now 100% Covered in Spray Paint

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PORTLAND, OR — In a historic moment of questionable achievement, the City of Portland has officially become the first metropolitan area in the United States to reach 100% graffiti saturation, prompting local street artists to reluctantly hang up their spray cans and mutter, “Yeah, I guess that’s it then.”

“Every square inch,” confirmed Deputy Urban Surface Analyst Karen Splotchy, gently patting the side of a graffiti-covered squirrel. “We’ve analyzed manmade structures, trees, pets, mailboxes, even clouds. All tagged. It’s over.”

The city’s final unpainted surface — the underside of a pigeon’s left foot — was tagged sometime around 3:47 a.m. Tuesday by a local artist known only

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