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SPRINGFIELD, OR — Local woman Kelly Harmon was reportedly enjoying a quiet Saturday morning, sipping coffee and pretending she didn’t have responsibilities, when a chill ran down her spine.
“It hit me all at once,” she said, staring into the void. “We’re out of everything. And the only place open with $6 sweatpants, expired yogurt, and reasonably priced motor oil is… Walmart.”
Witnesses say Harmon let out an audible sigh, followed by a thousand-yard stare that lasted nearly eight full minutes. Her dog reportedly barked at her twice to make sure she hadn’t died.
“I try to avoid Walmart until it’s absolutely necessary—like when we’re down to
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