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ATLANTA, GA — In a groundbreaking new report released Friday, doctors from the National Institute of Realistic Health confirmed that individuals over the age of 36 are, in fact, technically still alive—though most are now operating in a permanent state of exhaustion, emotionally numb caffeine puppets held together by ibuprofen and passive-aggressive sighs.
“Biologically speaking, yes, you’re alive,” said Dr. Rebecca Halvorsen, who co-authored the study. “But functionally, you’re just a weary husk wandering from task to task, slowly crumbling under the weight of adult responsibilities, declining cartilage, and texts you forgot to reply to three weeks ago.”
The report found that while people under 30 still
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