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Existential Dread Peaks as Woman Realizes It’s Time to Go to Walmart Again

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Share This ArticleSPRINGFIELD, OR — Local woman Kelly Harmon was reportedly enjoying a quiet Saturday morning, sipping coffee and pretending she didn’t...

Couple Plans Romantic Friday Night Watching the World Burn with a Bottle of Pinot and a Cheese Platter

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Share This ArticlePORTLAND, OR — While many couples might opt for a candlelit dinner or a rom-com, local partners Jesse and Rowan...

Man Fondly Recalls Childhood Road Trips When Mom Turned the Nissan Into a Marlboro Sauna

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Share This ArticleSALEM, OR — Nostalgia hit hard this week for 42-year-old Brent Halverson, who fondly remembered a simpler time when seatbelts...

Protesters Try to Burn Down Portland ICE Facility as Police Reaffirm They Won’t Assist Feds

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Share This ArticleAnother Portland protest turned dangerous Wednesday night after demonstrators attempted to set fire to the federal ICE building in South Portland. According to...

Wildfire Erupts Near Rowena Crest, Level 3 Evacuations Ordered

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Share This ArticleROWENA, Ore. — A fast-moving wildfire erupted Wednesday afternoon near the iconic Rowena Crest viewpoint in the Columbia River Gorge,...

Officials Urge Rioters to Stretch Before Peacefully Yeeting Bricks for Injury Prevention

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Share This ArticlePORTLAND, OR — In anticipation of this weekend’s peaceful protest that definitely won’t involve any windows mysteriously shattering themselves, city...

Local Woman Sips Warm White Claw, Finds Peace After Watching Flip-Flop Drift Off Into the Current

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Share This ArticleOREGON — It was supposed to be just another day of lazy tubing, questionable sunscreen application, and aggressively warm seltzers....

Newsom Freshly Gelled Up, Assures Californians Everything’s Under Control

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Share This ArticleLOS ANGELES, CA — Gleaming like a freshly waxed Tesla and strutting with the confidence of a man who just...

Portland Man Who Says Property Damage Isn’t Violence Invites Protesters to Peacefully Burn His House Down

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Share This Article“It’s time I lived my values,” says local man as he sets out organic snacks and fair trade matches. PORTLAND,...

Springfield Mother Who Tased Her 7-Year-Old Gets 15-Year Sentence

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Share This ArticleLANE COUNTY, Ore. – A Springfield woman has been sentenced to 15 years in prison after admitting to a disturbing...
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