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New Study Finds 97% of Streaming Time Spent Just Scrolling Across 6+ Subscriptions

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Share This ArticleIn a groundbreaking study that surprises absolutely no one, researchers have confirmed that 97% of the average person's time on...

“Eugene Squirrels Are Straight-Up Trippin’ After Being Fed Psilocybin Mushrooms,” Officials Say

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Share This ArticleEUGENE, OR — City officials are urging residents to stop feeding psychedelic mushrooms to local squirrels, after what one parks...

Weekend BBQ Plans Proceed as Dad Secures Down Payment on Ribeyes

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Share This ArticleSWEET HOME, OR — After weeks of intense financial planning and one extremely awkward meeting with a steak loan officer,...

Parents Sit Teen Down for “American Dream Talk,” Gently Explain He’ll Be Renting a Carpeted Garage Corner for $2,400

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Share This ArticleSalem, Oregon — In a moving display of parental love mixed with economic nihilism, local couple Doug and Melissa Jenkins...

That Methy Neighbor Wearing Headlamp at 2:30AM Is Just One Bolt Away From Wrapping It Up

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Share This ArticleSPRINGFIELD, OR — Residents of a quiet suburban street were once again reassured by the familiar clanking of socket wrenches...

Bend Transplant Really Getting Sick of Californians Acting Like They Belong Here Too

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Share This ArticleBEND, OR — Brad Collins, a proud Bend transplant who moved from San Diego just 13 months ago, is reportedly...

10 Out of 10 Oregon Hikers Admit Trail Was ‘Just Okay’ Until the Edibles Kicked In

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Share This Article“At first it was just trees. Then it was THE trees.” OREGON CASCADES — A groundbreaking new study from the...

BREAKING: Portland Resident Offended by This Headline and Also the Word ‘Resident’

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Share This ArticlePORTLAND, OR — Chaos erupted in a local community Slack channel today after a Portland man reportedly became deeply offended...

UnitedHealthcare Announces Bold New Plan To Cover Nothing

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Share This ArticleMINNETONKA, MN — In a daring move sure to disrupt the healthcare industry, UnitedHealthcare unveiled its most ambitious policy overhaul...

Heavenly Gates Swing Open After Val Kilmer Whispers “I’m Your Huckleberry” to the Intercom

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Share This ArticleIn a moment theologians are already calling “the chillest entrance into the afterlife on record,” actor Val Kilmer ascended to...
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