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PORTLAND, OR — City officials moved quickly Monday to clarify that the recent release of human waste into the Willamette River is not the same poop residents routinely dodge on downtown sidewalks, stressing that while the two may appear similar, smell similar, and exist within close proximity, they are in fact “categorically different poops.”
“We understand the confusion,” said a city spokesperson during a press conference held downtown, carefully positioned several feet away from a suspicious stain. “But the poop in the river and the poop downtown serve very different roles in our ecosystem.”
The clarification follows a series of heavy storms that overwhelmed Portland’s Big Pipe
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