National Guard to Roll Into Portland Next Week, Locals Argue Over Who Gets to Tag Armored Vehicles First

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PORTLAND, OR — With 166 Oregon National Guard members preparing to deploy to Portland next week, locals have already begun squabbling over who will earn the honor of being the first to spray-paint “ACAB” on the side of an armored vehicle.

The dispute reportedly broke out at a neighborhood co-op meeting after one man claimed he had “dibs” on the front bumper of a Stryker while another insisted he’d been “saving that spot for months.”

“It’s about more than just paint,” explained local graffiti artist KrushOne while polishing his favorite neon-green spray can. “It’s about making history. I want my tag to be the first thing those

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