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PORTLAND, OR — After years of speculation, arguments at Pride festivals, and bitter rainbow flag one-upmanship, a panel of travel magazine experts officially declared Portland the gayest city in America this week. Within hours, Seattle immediately demanded a recount, citing “suspiciously flamboyant voting patterns” and insisting the judges “obviously didn’t see our brunch scene.”
Listen, we respect Portland’s commitment to rainbow crosswalks, drag brunches, and artisanal leather harnesses,” said Seattle mayoral spokesperson Kendra Malloy, visibly gripping a clipboard hard enough to bend it. “But if you’re telling me that a city with both Pike Place Market AND a lesbian-owned cat café doesn’t deserve the crown, then this
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