Oregonians Tired of Complaining About Heat, Anxiously Await Return of Rain and Existential Dread

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PORTLAND, OR — After enduring what locals are calling “three straight months of Satan’s armpit,” Oregonians are now counting the days until the sun finally gives up and the state can return to its natural climate of damp misery, seasonal depression, and awkward coffee shop small talk about how “this rain just feels different.”

“This heat is exhausting,” said Portland resident Kyle Hanson while fanning himself with a New Seasons coupon flyer. “I can only post so many angry Instagram stories about 95-degree weather before it starts to feel forced. I miss being able to complain about the rain without sweating through my Patagonia fleece.”

Across the

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