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SALEM, OR — In a groundbreaking press conference Tuesday, Governor Tina Kotek unveiled her latest initiative to address Oregon’s mounting crises: staring blankly into the distance until everything magically fixes itself.
“My administration has worked tirelessly to identify the root cause of Oregon’s challenges,” Kotek said, her eyes glazing over as reporters waited for elaboration. “And after months of deep contemplation, we’ve concluded the most effective path forward is to stand completely still and emit a blank, slightly condescending expression.”
The plan, dubbed Operation Vacant Resolve, is said to be “budget neutral” and “requires no measurable effort,” two hallmarks of previous state initiatives. Supporters hailed the approach
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