Goodwill Boutique Staff Confused Why Poor People Keep Trying to Shop There

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NEWPORT, OR — Staff at the Goodwill Boutique on Cape & Donation Center are reportedly “deeply puzzled” by the steady stream of financially struggling people who keep showing up under the false assumption that this is a place for affordable clothing — rather than a coastal showroom for $58 windbreakers that smell faintly like seaweed and regret.

“We’re not a regular Goodwill,” clarified shift lead Kelsee (who insists her name is spelled with two e’s, and don’t ask why). “We’re a boutique. We have hardwood floors. We play indie jazz. Our fitting room curtains are made from repurposed sails. This isn’t about survival — it’s about aesthetic

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