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EUGENE, OR — Local part-time kombucha brewer Jasper Willow-Breeze experienced what experts are calling “acute textual trauma” this week after skimming a pocket Constitution and discovering the Second Amendment is still in there.
“I thought we deleted that back in like, the 90s,” said Willow-Breeze, who was halfway through a self-guided enlightenment retreat when the incident occurred. “I was just flipping through for some free speech quotes to use on my protest sign, and bam—‘the right to bear arms.’ It felt like a hate crime.”
Sources confirm that upon making the discovery, Willow-Breeze immediately phoned his city council representative, his Reiki therapist, and a vegan attorney specializing
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