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TROUTDALE, OR — In a shocking display of seasonal overconfidence, local man Darren Melby was reportedly seen walking down Main Street in a salmon-pink tank top Thursday morning, sending townsfolk into a mild panic and causing three drivers to swerve.
“He was just out there, arms fully exposed like it was mid-July,” said eyewitness Carol Finch, clutching a windbreaker. “I could practically hear his skin sizzling.”
Residents described Melby’s complexion as “unfrosted Pop-Tart,” “refrigerated tofu,” and “possibly medically significant.”
Sources say the 33-year-old had not been outdoors for more than eight consecutive minutes since October and emerged only after seeing a weather app mistakenly report 61 degrees
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