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PORTLAND, OR — In news that surprised absolutely no one and disappointed absolutely everyone’s grandparents, Oregon has officially been named the best state to raise a little free-range anarchist with a trust fund.
The groundbreaking report, issued by the National Institute for Highly Specific Parenting Styles (NIHSPS), praised Oregon’s perfect storm of endless protests, organic juice boxes, and high-end outdoor gear stores as the ultimate environment for raising kids who hate “the system” but still Venmo their dad for rent.
“Here in Oregon, toddlers are taught from birth that all forms of authority are oppression,” said Dr. Aspen Wildflower, lead researcher and part-time kombucha sommelier. “By the
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