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PORTLAND, OR — In what health experts are calling “a medical miracle and/or a Facebook group fever dream,” new parents Chad and Sage Turner of Forest Grove proudly announced that their newborn son, Braven, entered the world completely free of seed oils — a triumph they say was made possible through “relentless vigilance and light harassment of hospital staff.”
“We made it clear from day one: no vaccines, no epidurals, and absolutely no trace of industrial sludge oils,” said Sage, while strapping a pair of organic bamboo booties onto Braven’s tiny feet. “This child is purer than the tears of a grass-fed cow.”
Hospital staff at a
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