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U.S. — In a bold new step to ensure Americans never enjoy anything ever again, candy manufacturer Mars announced that all colorful M&Ms will now be coated in a thick layer of organic kale slime following HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s sweeping ban on artificial food dyes.
The move comes as part of the federal government’s new “Bland & Natural” initiative, which aims to eliminate anything remotely appealing from the American food supply.
“We’re thrilled to unveil our new line of Eco Edition M&Ms,” said Mars spokesperson Juniper Fields, standing barefoot in a Whole Foods. “They’ve got all the chocolatey nostalgia of your childhood, now wrapped
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